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About Digital Art / Hobbyist KyoMale/United States Recent Activity
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I'm that friend that constantly needs reassurance and attention. Like I realize that I'll likely be single forever because I'll drive people insane with how much attention I need. Like if I get remotely lonely, I get really sad and depressed, so even if you're busy - I'll need you to put in an insane amount of effort to talk to me... LIke... wtf????

I really wish I wasn't like this.... But especially today I feel it really hard. I felt super out of place at home today (my living situation is really complicated - I'm not with "family" perse) because I didn't really know a lot of the people.... And I was texting my friends for a good portion of it but then it was like PLOOP, everyone disappeared and I'm all sad now... 

And I just imagine me finally dating someone and being like an annoying suffocating dick hole because I need to know what's going on with them all the time. 

Like, my ex fucking wrecked me trusting people - I don't think I'll ever be ok with someone I date to ever do something with other people without me - or like... it'll take soooo much to build up to that... And it fucking sucks... Cause that isn't fair to them... at all. I know that, too. I know it isn't fair for me to be like, "No. I don't want you to go hang out with ____." And the conversations will circle and never be resolved because I'll never be able to trust them like that and it fucking hurts because I want to... but it's like - She gutted me. Like she literally fucking gutted me. The person I used to be isn't the person I am. And I highly doubt that I'll ever find someone who will love me with all this mess of a person I am now - which if I thought I was fucked up before WELL BOY OH FUCKING BOY... 


Like, please, I just wanna be fucking normal. I wanna have a normal life. I don't want to feel so lost and alone... And like - who, really, fucking who is going to be okay with a massive lack of trust. AND I LITERALLY CAN'T. Like, I can't. I cannot fathom letting someone go somewhere with someone else at any point because all that loops in my head is "CHEATING CHEATING CHEATING" IN big fucking bright flashing letters. Seriously fucking neon bright bull shit that's blinding. And the worst part - if they did cheat, I would fucking rationalize it. Like I did already. With my ex. I fucking rationalized it. I was distant. I was working too much. I was so many things that - AND YES I KNOW I SHOULDN'T FEEL THIS WAY~!!!

Trust me. I fucking know, logically that I should not feel like that. That I shouldn't be making excuses or blaming myself - but somehow, somehow my entire life was constantly ME causing problems. i was always fucking wrong. I was always the one who messed up. I was always apologizing first. 

Like, goddamn. Man do I wish I could just be like, NOPE FUCK YOU. But I fucking can't. I to this day believe that I deserved to have my heart ripped out. I believe I deserved to be so utterly destroyed that my entire being shifted. And like, for what???? WHY???? I?? Don't??? GET IT?!??!?!?! 

Jesus. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 
  • Listening to: Fools - Troye Sivan
Touch Sensation by Kyoky-San
Touch Sensation
Destiel fanart
The only thing I like are the COLOR in Castiel's eyes, and his wings... beyond that this is utterly terrible and I'm sorry.     
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I've been drawing/painting a lot more recently. Like, more so than I think I've ever done before in my life in all honesty. Except perhaps when I was in HS and literally had to draw something everyday for my art class. The one theme I've seemed to continually run into while looking at Tutorials, or guides, or simply references is the staggering amount of young artists who think that by mimicking someone else's 'style' or 'settings' they'll suddenly be amazing... like with very little effort... 

Let me tell you, you are wrong. 
 
No artist wants to hear this: You will get better with practice. 

I know, I know, I fucking KNOW. you don't want eventually, you want now. And I know this because I've been there before. I've hunted down and watching tutorial after tutorial, thinking it would teach me so quickly how to become what I wanted to be like - and it was through all that, I managed to realize that is NOT how it works. 

Don't get me wrong, I love tutorials, and I very much enjoy looking them over, because I get to see how another artist would attempt to tackle something - but the idea that by simply looking at it will suddenly give you the skills you need is mind boggling to me. 

The only way, and I mean the ONLY way you will ever get better is if you use as many sheets of paper (digital or hard if you will) and figure out what works and what doesn't!

Good art comes from the mistakes. Someone very close said that to me once, and he was right - and he isn't even an artist.... 
    
  • Listening to: Infinity - Niykee Heaton
I'm so over feelings, let me tell you.
Cause none of my followers actually follow me anymore, but I suppose writing these actually helps me? I'm not sure... Honestly. 

Someone, a close friend... who constantly encourages you. Even when you think that you aren't good enough at something - someone who praises your mistakes, because they seem them as learning opportunities..... someone who sees the errors and see's the "You" in it. Someone who, when you've texted them in a fit of panic, wakes up and replies. Someone who knows how much you look up to them. Someone who you told, "I don't want you to go. Please don't go." Someone who answered with, "Come with me." Someone who, you have to stay a few feet away from, because they'll find any excuse to touch you, hug you, lean in and tease you. Someone who looks passed the smile you force, and sees the pain in your eyes. Someone who won't let you say, "I'm fine." because they know you aren't. Someone who you're prepared to die for. Someone who showed you love is possible again after a tremendous heartbreak. Someone, who is probably one of the few who really knows how you feel. 

Someone who will never return the feelings you're pouring out to them. 

Love, is quite destructive. 
  • Listening to: Arms of An Angel

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Kyoky-San's Profile Picture
Kyoky-San
Kyo
Artist | Hobbyist | Digital Art
United States
Please read my manga: Alien Mark
Also my new oneshot/pilot will be available Wednesday March 20th! Pandora's Box


Current Residence: as of the moment your pants :D
Favourite genre of music: Dubstep
Favourite style of art: Manga/Anime
Personal Quote: "Achieving is only half of dreaming"
Interests
I'm that friend that constantly needs reassurance and attention. Like I realize that I'll likely be single forever because I'll drive people insane with how much attention I need. Like if I get remotely lonely, I get really sad and depressed, so even if you're busy - I'll need you to put in an insane amount of effort to talk to me... LIke... wtf????

I really wish I wasn't like this.... But especially today I feel it really hard. I felt super out of place at home today (my living situation is really complicated - I'm not with "family" perse) because I didn't really know a lot of the people.... And I was texting my friends for a good portion of it but then it was like PLOOP, everyone disappeared and I'm all sad now... 

And I just imagine me finally dating someone and being like an annoying suffocating dick hole because I need to know what's going on with them all the time. 

Like, my ex fucking wrecked me trusting people - I don't think I'll ever be ok with someone I date to ever do something with other people without me - or like... it'll take soooo much to build up to that... And it fucking sucks... Cause that isn't fair to them... at all. I know that, too. I know it isn't fair for me to be like, "No. I don't want you to go hang out with ____." And the conversations will circle and never be resolved because I'll never be able to trust them like that and it fucking hurts because I want to... but it's like - She gutted me. Like she literally fucking gutted me. The person I used to be isn't the person I am. And I highly doubt that I'll ever find someone who will love me with all this mess of a person I am now - which if I thought I was fucked up before WELL BOY OH FUCKING BOY... 


Like, please, I just wanna be fucking normal. I wanna have a normal life. I don't want to feel so lost and alone... And like - who, really, fucking who is going to be okay with a massive lack of trust. AND I LITERALLY CAN'T. Like, I can't. I cannot fathom letting someone go somewhere with someone else at any point because all that loops in my head is "CHEATING CHEATING CHEATING" IN big fucking bright flashing letters. Seriously fucking neon bright bull shit that's blinding. And the worst part - if they did cheat, I would fucking rationalize it. Like I did already. With my ex. I fucking rationalized it. I was distant. I was working too much. I was so many things that - AND YES I KNOW I SHOULDN'T FEEL THIS WAY~!!!

Trust me. I fucking know, logically that I should not feel like that. That I shouldn't be making excuses or blaming myself - but somehow, somehow my entire life was constantly ME causing problems. i was always fucking wrong. I was always the one who messed up. I was always apologizing first. 

Like, goddamn. Man do I wish I could just be like, NOPE FUCK YOU. But I fucking can't. I to this day believe that I deserved to have my heart ripped out. I believe I deserved to be so utterly destroyed that my entire being shifted. And like, for what???? WHY???? I?? Don't??? GET IT?!??!?!?! 

Jesus. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 
  • Listening to: Fools - Troye Sivan

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:iconajtakashi:
ajtakashi Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
What's up dude?
Reply
:iconkyoky-san:
Kyoky-San Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I could think of a few things XD
Reply
:icontofu-yu:
tofu-yu Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2013
Heyy thank you soo much for the watch :D 
:iconaawplz:
I am almost as delighted as a turkish delight :D
Reply
:iconkyoky-san:
Kyoky-San Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hahahaha, you're funny.

:iconxd-plz:
Reply
:icontofu-yu:
tofu-yu Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013
:iconfinallyplz: Thank you. thank you so much :')
Reply
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